Freedom & Social Issues
We face a challenging world, with too much freedom and too many social issues. We need fewer free people, and less socializing. Here's my plan to help contain this spreading problem:
Poverty and Work:
There are too many poor people. The cure is to give 'em all really crappy factory jobs in really crappy factories. I'll do this by outlawing OSHA (Occupational Health and Safety Adminiatration) and its workplace health and safety laws. That will result in those crappy factories, with increased workplace accidents and diseases afflicting the poor crappy factory workers, resulting a reduction in the population of poor people.
If you care about wiping out poverty, care about wiping out POOR PEOPLE. It's the fastest way.
Abortion - Choice of Life, or Life of Choice?:
Like any reasonable politician, I'm against talking about abortion. Always gets somebody mad.
I say we just outlaw makeup, alcohol, dim lights and soft music, and most abortions will never happen. It'll also help reduce the rest of the population.
Marriage & Homosexuality
When I'm elected, I'll propose a constitutional amendment that forbids homosexuals from marrying anybody but homosexuals.
That'll keep our normal kids normal, and keep those strange kids from reproducing.
Embryonic Stem Cell Research:
Because this is too complicated for my pea-sized brain to comprehend, I'll leave this to the medical experts and the religious community to duke it out -- the way God intended.
Education:
No Child Left behind... blah...blah...blah...
No Free Lunch... blah...blah...blah...
Sex Education... blah...blah...blah...
Evolution... blah...blah...blah...
Teacher Pay... blah...blah...blah...
Teacher Standards... blah...blah...blah...
Parental Responsibility... blah...blah...blah...
Takes a Village to Raise a Child... blah...blah...blah...
Your Child is the Village Idiot... blah...blah...blah...
Back to Basics... blah...blah...blah...
Education is corrupting our children. They go to school and learn fancy words and notions that I don't understand. And then they come home and ask me questions like: "Why is the sky blue?" How the hell should I know?
Teachers are filling their heads with these horrible questions that make me look stupid to my kids. That's just gotta stop.
Ever since those darned teacher standards started forcing dumb-ass teachers out of the schools, my kids have been learning from the smart-ass teachers, and getting smarter than me. And that can't be good.
I believe in "No Parent Left Behind." Let's keep our kids from getting smarter than us.
After all, we was taught proper, 'cause we went to school where we learned the 3 R's: Reeding, Riting and Rhythmetic. (See, I can even spel them!) We need mor of this kind of edumacation!
Yessir, it's Bak to Basiks for our kids, when I'm elekted. No more talking about how we have evolved from apes. As anyone who has met me knows, I have NOT evolved from an ape! (Somebody who met me once said, "give him time," whatever that means).
Anyway, I don't want the kids going to school and learning about sex and then coming home and asking questions about body parts that I didn't know existed. Makes me look stupid. I'm sure you feel the same way.
The Environment
Global warming is not a problem. I'm so old that I'll be dead before the planet cooks. Lets talk about more important things, like Congressional pay, which hasn't been raised in months -- or at least in several weeks.
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